The Curious Case of Cletus Nix
by That Twisted Wordsmith
Summary: At age 35, Cletus Nix decides to leave the depths of his parents' basement. He enrolls in third grade for the second time, under the supervision of none other than Nigel Ratburn. Read ahead to see Cletus, his girlfriend Tibby, their Latino friend Emmanuel and the beloved cast of Arthur embark on bizarre adventures together everywhere from Iran to bathhouses.
1. Chapter 1

**One**

Cletus Nix and Tibby Cagney were having the most passionate sex they had produced after nearly two years of dating. Maybe it was the My Little Pony porn that Cletus and his friend Emmanuel watched on a daily basis while Cletus experimented with his bisexuality, but nonetheless, Tibby's libido was quite satisfied. Well, _almost_ satisfied.

The rabbit girl let out a loud moan and screamed with passion.

"Cletus, let me be your Elwood whore! Take me! _Fuck me now_!"

You, as the reader, might imagine this typical teenage relationship between Tibby and Cletus. Two high school kids making love in their bed. Except that wasn't the case at all. Given that only _one_ of them was in high school and had just turned 18.

"Your front is nice and smooth, Tibby," Cletus responded. Those words stabbed Tibby even harder than Cletus' uncircumcised, below-average length male organ was.

"CLETUS!" Tibby screamed, with what seemed like menstrual rage despite the fact she hadn't bought any menstrual cups yet. " _What_ did I tell you about saying that?!"

"I do not remember, but I will be a good and loving Baptist boyfriend and be nice, Tibby."

Tibby's face looked like one of the Romans about to crucify Jesus. Like Simba after Scar told him he killed his dad. Like Hillary Clinton after Donald Trump won the 2016 presidential election.

"Jesus _fucking Christ_ , Cletus!" Tibby cried. "Can't you be a normal boyfriend for _once_? You don't call it a _smooth front_. Didn't you learn that in sex ed?"

Cletus donned a dejected expression, a slight tear welling up in his eye.

"Tibby," he said, his country accent revealing itself. "I have somethin' to tell you."

"What? You're not gay, are you? I mean, it's totally fine if you are. I can just remove my vagina and turn it into a penis. There's that really good doctor castrator who removed his own junk 14 years ago. Or you could go to that one gay bathhouse...I heard _everybody_ -"

"I never completed third grade." Cletus confessed.

The pieces came together for Tibby Cagney. She realized this was why her 35 year old boyfriend was so...not smart. She wasn't a sapiosexual by any means. If it had a dick and walked on two legs, she'd do it. She didn't care about Cletus' IQ as long as the sex was good. But...if she immediately became turned off by him saying 'smooth front' every time they had intercourse, that was a problem.

And once in a blue moon, a brilliant idea emerged in Tibby's teenage mind.

"Why don't you go to third grade again?"

Tibby hated school, but third grade was her favorite year for some reason. Nigel Ratburn was probably the toughest teacher she ever had. At least he demanded enough homework that she would never have any time to be her slutty self (except not in elementary school, since that's kind of creepy and Tibby didn't condone pedophilia). Hypothetically speaking, if Mr. Ratburn were a teacher at Elwood High School, maybe she would have been a top student and not on top of teachers' dicks.

Cletus got off of Tibby even though he hadn't orgasmed. But the idea of going back to school was enough to make him explode. It went all over Tibby's face. She smirked.

"Tibby, you must be God' daughter! I love you so much! But where do I go?"

"I'll drive you to school before going to have se- _study time_ with my teachers! Mr. Ratburn changed my life," she replied, wiping her facial off.

"I'll be a true man of God now." Cletus said with a smile. He ran upstairs, forgetting to put on his clothes.

"Mama, Papa, I'm goin' back to third grade!"

Both of the Nix parents stared at each other, somewhat in horror of seeing their son completely naked. Most people, excluding Tibby, wouldn't be particularly fond of seeing a paunchy, balding, anthropomorphic bear not wearing anything.

But they were even more shocked that he might actually move out of their basement one day.

"Okay, son," said Mr. Nix, who was your typical 1950s white dad from Leave it to Beaver even though he had a hick for a son. "Just make sure you don't do what you did _last time you were in third grade_."

Then, Mrs. Nix broke down in tears as the war flashback commenced.

* * *

 _Yeah, this should PROBABLY be rated M, but since nobody sees M stories, you get a T rating until the Fanfiction police come after me for corrupting everybody. But I mean - COME ON, kiddie porn here is rated T and doesn't do anything about it._

 _Hopefully you got a good laugh from this story that I wrote at 1 am when on a caffeine high and doing a fuck-ton of homework._

 _~ TTW_


	2. Chapter 2

**Two**

 _(Flashback to 1990)_

"Maw, Paw, I'm ready for my first day of school!" Cletus Nix yelled at 5 a.m.

Meanwhile, Mr. and Mrs. Nix were groaning. Not in the coital way, but in the Cletus-is-an-annoying-bitch way. And it was _still_ dark outside. Did that child have any sense of timeliness? Well, probably not, given that he couldn't count to ten, but the Nix family would soon learn this was the least of his laundry list of problems.

"Want to be the sacrificial lamb, Ophelia?" Mr. Nix asked his wife.

"We're having _really good_ make-up sex after this."

Mrs. Nix got out of bed and donned a fake smile to greet her son with. When she went downstairs, Cletus was counting how many toes he had.

"Maw, I have two toes!"

"That's _ten_ , Cletus."

"What's a tin?"

"God, I hope this school straightens you out."

(Well, hopefully more straight than Mr. Nix after he visited the gay bathhouse over the summer. Mrs. Nix still couldn't believe he abandoned the Sting concert plans so he could fellate every man in Lahokia, Illinois.)

"What's a school?"

Mrs. Nix threw a sausage at Cletus and yanked him toward the car. But Cletus' throat wasn't big enough.

"Maw, this sausage is too big."

"Fine, use this knife and chew with your mouth closed, fat-ass."

Cletus took the breakfast sausage and knife with him into the car. Mrs. Nix would feel guilt for that brief moment for the rest of her life.

When they got to school, which wouldn't even start for another three hours, Cletus bolted out of the car. He spent those hours playing with his knife until the janitor unlocked the door. Maybe it was hunger, being exposed to the knife, or seeing his mom cut up the sausage, but something in Cletus made him do what he did.

"You have a hot dog in your pants!" Cletus exclaimed. The janitor tried to get out of this dilemma as swiftly as possible, but he wasn't fast enough for Cletus.

"I want a hot dog!" Cletus screamed. He wielded his knife and made a deep incision in the janitor's pants. Then the blood seeped out. Cletus had poked the hot dog. The janitor slowly bled to death since he was a hemophiliac, and Cletus pulled down his pants.

"Yummy hot dog!" he professed, cutting the janitor's genitals off and taking it inside as a late morning snack.

Unfortunately, that anonymous janitor was the first victim of hundreds that day.

* * *

"Cletus did WHAT?!" Mrs. Nix shrieked on the phone.

"Your son..." the principal explained. "He...he castrated everyone in the school. Even me. I'm being assisted by the school nurs-"

"AND HE LOVES IT!" yelled the candy striper nurse into the phone.

"Thank you, Pamela, for your necessary commentary," the principal snapped. "Anyway, your son is expelled. We can't have your son cutting off everyone's dick. It's just not acceptable."

Mrs. Nix drove to the school in tears, horrified that her son would do something so deplorable. When she came in, Cletus had one hundred jars of scrotums in a wagon he found in one of the classrooms.

"Maw, can I burn these in a bonfire?"

"NO, YOU DUMB-ASS! YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE."

Mr. and Mrs. Nix had to fake the death of their son so he wouldn't be arrested and they didn't want to pay all that debt. Ironically, burning the genitals wasn't such a bad idea since they could make it look like Cletus was cremated.

"We're moving to Elwood City, where no one can find us," said Mr. Nix, dumping the 79th jar of genitals into the bonfire.

"That sounds like an excellent idea," said Mrs. Nix. "Let's just keep Cletus in the basement."

"Thanks for the bonfire, Maw and Paw." Cletus said.

If it weren't for the fact that having a serial castrator son could give the Nix family major publicity one day, they would have just thrown Cletus into the fire then.

* * *

 _I was very disappointed in the lack of substantial reviews for this story. Please keep reading! I'm sure some of these topics in my fanfic seem VERY familiar to some readers. ;)_

 _~ TTW_


	3. Chapter 3

**Three**

"That was so long ago..." noted Mrs. Nix. "But it haunts me every day, every night. Those poor children. Never being able to have heterosexual, missionary intercourse with their Christian wives and producing offspring with such classical names like Tina and Gary."

"Well, you've got me, Ophie," joked Mr. Nix.

"Please, you can't leave that gay bathhouse even if the Pope dragged you out there himself."

"Oh, to hell with Fred, we're Baptist so who gives a shit?"

"What did I say about being sacrilegious, Andy?"

"Oh yeah, we should all worship _Queen Ophelia_ because she thinks she's so much bet-"

The two aged lovers were so immersed in their quarrel that they totally forgot about their atypical son...as well as that one high school girl that _always_ seemed to come over. Tibby was wearing her padded Victoria's secret bra and thong. She was going to get a boob job once she got the money, but she wanted her future husband to have a better education over her having bigger breasts.

"Look at your parents, Cletus," Tibby flirtatiously whispered. "That could be us one day."

Cletus was too busy counting his fingers and toes to pay attention.

"Tibby, will you have ten fingers and ten toes when we get married?" (Cletus had learned to count to thirty by 2017.)

"Only for you, teddy bear."

Tibby slung her arm around his shoulder. The Nix couple was still in the middle of fighting, now yelling about communist weddings.

Cletus and Tibby drove off in that one Mercedes she robbed from some rich family...the Cramers? Cranstons? She knew they were monkeys and the dad was this car salesman. Maybe he'd be her sugar daddy one day.

They got back to Tibby's humble abode, which was this renovated apartment building near Lakewood Elementary.

"Cletus, at school, due to the cisheteropatriachy, we have a dress code. So I can't wear my sexy lingerie to school even though I want to. So what does that mean?"

"Do I have to wear your bra? Emmanuel can wear it too. We can pretend to be Equestria Girls!"

"No, Cletus. You have to be a big boy and wear clothes. I know penises are great but showing them at school is a no-no. And your daddy said _no castration_."

"Can I talk about my teacher's smooth front?"

"Cletus, if you say that one more time, I'm leaving you for my neighbor. Oliver Frensky is a total DILF, and I love my Jewish men."

The name hit Cletus like a ton of bricks. _Frensky_. And the fact that he was _Jewish_. Cletus knew that he had to save Tibby from blasphemy. Tibby was the only girl who had ever loved him. (Emmanuel was obviously in love with him but Cletus was just so clueless about everything.)

"Tibby, we are raising our children Baptist. And Mel Gibson taught me that Oliver Frensky killed Jesus."

Tibby rolled her eyes. They had watched The Passion of the Christ more times than they had copulated.

"Cletus...could you maybe not talk about religion in school? And a lot of other things."

This comment led into a review session about how a grown-ass man should behave in an elementary school, but what even was normal in this cruel world anymore? By the time Tibby's unofficial boot camp ended, it was time for Cletus' second first day of third grade.

Needless to say, Cletus Nix would be the most memorable student at Lakewood Elementary.

* * *

 _Sorry if this chapter was crap. It was definitely more dialogue heavy than the previous two, but what can I say - variation is good! I was so effing happy to see constructive reviews. Cl-Travis, please don't say "good story"._

 _~ TTW_


	4. Chapter 4

**Four**

"This is a new _student_?" Mr. Haney asked, looking at the spectacle laid upon him. Never in his 50 years of teaching had he seen such a strange student. And yes, Cletus Nix was even weirder than Chris Chan, who happened to go to Lakewood Elementary for a year.

"Mr. Haney, are you going to be ageist or should we accept all students regardless of their age?" Tibby Cagney argued.

"You do make a good point, Miss Cagney but-"

Mr. Haney was going to have to drink a lot of beers that night. He was ashamed to be from the same species as Cletus. This man-student-child was 35 years old yet he had a beer belly, was balding, hadn't shaved since the new millennium and was wearing a Rainbow Dash outfit to school (Tibby was not cut out to be a teacher).

"Mr. Haney, I thought you were different." Tibby looked over at her boyfriend. "Cletus, may I have a word with your new principal?"

Meanwhile, Mr. Ratburn was teaching his pupils derivatives, because everybody in third grade knows calculus. Someone rapped at the door.

"Nigel, you have a new student." Then Mr. Haney leaned in closer. "If he's too much, join me for a drink tonight at the gay bathhouse. Richard said he'd have another threesome with us."

Then, the new student emerged into the room, creeping into the light. Mr. Ratburn winced at the sight of him. He completely screamed "sex offender" but he knew that Mr. Haney would have done background checks. How else would he have let the...matured...student be in his class?

(Tibby Cagney was vaping outside the school, enjoying a post-coital smoke. If Forrest Gump's mom could bang the principal to let him in, Tibby knew she could definitely persuade Mr. Haney to let Cletus in.)

"Class, we have a new student!" Mr. Ratburn exclaimed, trying to appear welcoming. "What is your name?"

"Cletus Nix."

"Cletus, can you tell the class about yourself?"

"I am a 35 year old male who loves My Little Pony, Shezow and such. I am a Baptist. I have many Bibles and keychains. I like to take baths but not sexual ones. Don't bully me, please."

Mr. Ratburn's jaw dropped. He already anticipated the littany of phone calls he'd get from angry parents that night.

Arthur whispered to Sue Ellen, "I'm sorry I ever thought you were the weird new kid."

Sue Ellen rolled her eyes. "Compared to this weirdo, I'm normal."

As the two children whispered to each other, Francine seethed with fury on the other side of the room. Why would that bitch...that homewrecker even speak to Arthur? She knew that as an eight-year old, she and Arthur were destined to be together.

And to make matters worse, Mr. Ratburn made the brony creep sit next to Francine.

"If you say one thing to me, ponyboy, I'm going to destroy you."

Cletus started to cry. Why were people so mean to him? All he wanted in life was to follow God's wishes, but apparently that wasn't enough for a degenerate western society.

"Here's a fucking tampon, pussy. Stop bitching."

Francine threw a tampon she stole from Catherine at the new student. It landed right into his mouth. Cletus started to gag.

"Quiet down, chil-HOLY FUCKING SHIT!"

Mr. Ratburn was inevitably going to lose his job by the end of the day. He dropped his chalk and ran over to give Cletus the Heimlich maneuver. He pressed down on Cletus until the tampon shot out of his mouth and hit Binky Barnes in his testicles.

"OWWWWW!" Binky cried, protecting his prized jewels.

"Binky, are you okay?"

Mr. Ratburn asked. After Binky wiped away a tear, he said one thing that no one would ever expect.

"I'm not gonna lie, that was pretty hot." Binky burped out loud after making the lewd comment.

"Binky," Muffy said in her high-pitched, eardrum piercing voice. "You are vomitrocious. Even more than George and his bloody nose. And Francine puking her guts out that one day. She's so disgust-"

"FUCK YOU, MUFFY!"

It was only 10:09 in the morning, but enough chaos for a year had been consolidated into fifteen minutes. However, Mr. Ratburn had an idea for how to calm the class down.

Hopefully he could redeem himself by lunchtime...

* * *

 _I really don't know how I managed to write four chapters of this within three days, but here's your fourth chapter. Hopefully we can get into action really quickly. (Also, I'd prefer flames to no reviews at all!)_

 _~ TTW_


	5. Chapter 5

**Five**

"Class," Mr. Ratburn announced. "For twenty minutes, we will deviate from calculus and write."

The whole class groaned in unison, except for Fern Walters who looked like she was a fat kid at a candy store.

"Nobody got my math pun...fine," Mr. Ratburn noted. "But all of the famous writers were _really fu-COMPLICATED_. Edgar Allan Poe was found dead outside a voting booth. Ernest Hemingway shot himself in the head. Writing is a good way to express your problems. For twenty minutes, write about anything you want and expect to share it with the class."

All of the kids got out their journals, except for Cletus. So he just wrote on the desk. The budding author had a burst of inspiration. He looked at Francine:

"What is the name of the boy with glasses and yellow sweater?"

Francine grimaced. "Arthur, and he's _my boyfriend_. Now what did I say if you talk to me again?"

"I support you and your husband in a good Baptist marriage. You and Arthur are meant to be, not with the cat girl."

"I'm Jewish, you dickhead."

"Mr. Ratburn?" Cletus whined. "Can I move seats? I'm a Baptist and Francine is Jewish."

Mr. Ratburn facepalmed. "Why don't you grow a pair of fucking balls, sit next to Francine and DO YOUR GODDAMN ASSIGNMENT!?" Cletus cried again.

Mr. Ratburn was such a bully. So was Francine. During his bout of tears, he expressed himself in words.

When the twenty minutes were up, Fern Walters jumped at the chance to read her detective story, which ended in some guy getting murdered.

"Somewhat morbid, Miss Walters, but you have quite a talent. Keep up the excellent work."

Arthur wrote about Pal, Buster wrote about when he walked in on his mom having sex with her boyfriend, and the Brain wrote about why brain will always trump brawn.

"Well, class, we have a very eclectic group of writers in this room, albeit some more revealing than others." Mr. Ratburn glanced at Buster.

"Cletus? Would you read your piece to the class? I'm sure you have lots of...life experience."

Cletus had just picked up his pencil from the desk.

"I would like to share my piece with the class, of course."

Mr. Ratburn cocked his head, trying to figure out the medium Cletus used to write his Great American Novel.

"Cletus, where is your journal?"

"I used the desk."

How shallow was this 35 year old student? Mr. Ratburn couldn't deal with his life at this point unless he resorted to alcoholism.

"Fine...read your story and get it over with and don't vandalize my desks anymore."

Mr. Morris was going to have a field day cleaning this room. Then, Cletus shared his novella.

"At age 35, Arthur needs his genitals removed. That is common for anthropomorphic animals..."

Mr. Ratburn was fairly laissez-faire when it came to drug legalization, but at that moment, listening to Cletus' abortion of a story, he would have given all of his savings, penis, testicles and scrotum to support the War on Drugs. He wondered what kind of weed Cletus was smoking.

It was the most horrifying hour of Mr. Ratburn's tenure as Cletus read his demented work.

"...They indeed will lose theirs one day. The end."

The whole class was as pale as a ghost. They had endured what no child should ever go through: listening to nine chapters about their friends and families being castrated.

"Mr. Ratburn, do you still have your penis?" Binky asked.

Mr. Ratburn blushed. This was not a conversation he wanted to have with a bunch of 8 year olds...and a 35 year old who made Binky seem like Albert Einstein. He evaded the question. He was not going to become a registered sex offender like Cletus once he reported him to the authorities.

"Class, go outside for recess!" All of the students immediately broke out of their shocked stupor, bursting outside of the classroom.

"Except for Cletus."

* * *

 _Heeding NoctureD's suggestion, it's recess time. Stay tuned to hear about what happens when the school learns about Cletus. Love you guys! 3_

 _~ TTW_


	6. Chapter 6

**Six**

"You won't _believe_ what happened...ooooh, man!" Binky announced to the Tough Customers out on the jungle gym.

"Make it quick, Binks," Rattles demanded in his _definitely not stereotypical_ Italian Mafia accent. "We're gonna throw condom water balloons at George today, 'memba?"

"Eh, lay off the kid today. We've got a new loser."

"Who, you?" Molly snorted.

"Nah, it's this new dude in my class. Cletus Nix."

"Who the hell named their kid Cletus?" Slink asked.

"He's 35 so maybe it was pop-"

"Thirty-FIVE?!" Rattles shrieked. "Is this guy slow or somethin'?"

"I dunno but he's dumber than me," Binky said. "He wrote a story about the whole class getting their junk cut off. And our parents' junk too. And pretty much everyone in Elwood City. You died getting castrated, Slink."

"ME?!" he shrieked. "How does he even know who I am?"

Molly rolled her eyes. "You have OKCupid, Tinder, Grindr and pretty much every dating site known to animalkind. Of course a nearly 40-year-old virgin would stalk those sites."

"I told you _not to talk about that in public_."

Now that Slink was ten years old, he felt that he needed to put himself out there. Double digits was a big deal. Maybe he had gone too far, but at least he was getting some action. Some chick named Tibby sent him a photograph he'd never forget (nor would his second brain).

"So how should we get back at him?" Molly asked. "He insulted us and he's not getting away with any crap anymore."

"Should we castrate him?" Binky asked.

"That is the most retarded idea ever," Rattles said. "He'd probably get off to it. You gotta be clever. No choppin' off dicks once we see this asshole."

Rattles proposed his idea to his fellow Tough Customers: in a nutshell, they'd throw a party on Friday night and lure Cletus there for their master plan.

"Rattles, I love you," Binky said. "No homo though." (Binky was definitely gay for Rattles and definitely gay in general, but he had to keep his alpha male persona up especially with devout, sexually ambiguous Baptists like Cletus who hated Jews and gay people lurking around.)

"No homo," Rattles repeated back.

They did a fist bump and discussed the logistics of their plan for the remainder of recess.

* * *

 _A/N: I know this was a short chapter and that it's been a week since I updated, but the chronicles will still continue until I complete this fic or I get banned by FFN. Since the best author on FFN, Travis, loves saying what happens next, here ya go: Next chapter, Cletus goes to lunch._

 _~ TTW_


	7. Chapter 7

**Seven**

For every new student at Lakewood Elementary **,** their first lunch time was essentially an initiation. Cletus Nix, however, incited a coming-of-age for every Lakewood student on that fine, sunny Thursday.

Cletus had missed recess due to Mr. Ratburn's lecture about his story, 'Arthur and them castrated'.

 _(Flashback to recess)_

" _Cletus, I am an ardent believer in free speech, but there are some stuff that you just shouldn't say."_

" _I didn't say nothin', Mr. Ratburn."_

 _Mr. Ratburn's sanity was dwindling by the minute at this point._

" _You wrote on an entire desk about every single student in their class getting their genitals removed! How is that acceptable by any means?"_

 _Mr. Ratburn couldn't believe that Cletus included_ him _in his fucked-up story, too._

" _I like hot dogs, Mr. Ratburn."_

" _Jesus fucking-"_

" _Jesus is a good man. Do not call Jesus that."_

 _Mr. Ratburn had never attacked a student in his entire time teaching. This was an exception though. There were teachers younger than this pedophile. All of Mr. Ratburn's inner demons were released at that moment._

 _Cletus gagged as Mr. Ratburn clasped his hand around his neck._

" _Cletus Nix, if you do one more thing to piss me off, you're getting kicked out of my class."_

" _Don't...kick..."_

" _IT'S A FUCKING PHRASE, YOU DIPSHIT."_

 _Mr. Ratburn had to let Cletus go because he saw Mr. Marco in the hallway and couldn't risk anything. Maybe Cletus would choke on his lunch and then Mr. Ratburn could be spared the agony._

 _(End flashback)_

However, since it was unconstitutional for the country bear to be deprived of his lunch, Cletus was in the cafeteria. He stood in the lunch line between that bunny chick with the striped shirt who never talked, and Buster Baxter.

"Mmm...lunch time," Buster commented, as he conventionally did every day.

Mrs. MacGrady decided to whip up a batch of country stew, chicken-fried steak and mashed potatoes because she got a complaint that making 'ethnic' food was cultural appropriation.

Cletus got an erection (which was the size of a micropenis) at the sight and smell of his good old Lahokia, Illinois. He started touching the dick, whilst standing in the lunch line.

The nameless bunny chick looked in horror at the grown-ass man playing with his thingie. At least No-Name wasn't included in that weird story he wrote during class.

Cletus hopped over the serving line, pummeling into Mrs. MacGrady. He knew that this was his food, and no one else's. If Mrs. MacGrady really wanted to avoid cultural appropriation, she should have made just Elwood City food. He shoveled all of the food into his mouth, while the elementary school students gathered around and stared in dismay.

"HE'S EATING MY FOOD!" Buster cried.

"I dunno," Binky replied, still thinking about his gang's epic plan for Friday night. "This is a really good weight loss program. It's even better than those Atkins bars that make me take a dump-"

Sue Ellen interjected, "I'm a vegetarian, so I couldn't care less if that pedo bear eats all of that food. At least _I'm_ superior to him."

"Bacon's too good though," said Buster.

"I don't eat bacon because my family practices Judaism," said Francine. "Eating pork isn't kosher in our religion."

"You know there's vegetarian, kosher bacon, right?" Sue Ellen corrected.

Francine glared at her. Why was Sue Ellen _always_ trying to one-up her? Francine knew that she and Arthur would end up together in the end. Sue Ellen's dad was such a travel whore that they could never find a place to settle. So Sue Ellen would be out of Elwood City in no time.

Maybe they'd go somewhere like Iran and never return... Such wishful thinking.

Then, out of the blue, Mrs. MacGrady took her last dying breath. Unbenknownst to Cletus, he had been standing on her chest during his buffet performance, hence suffocating her.

"Oh my God, he killed Mrs. MacGrady!" shouted Arthur.

"You bastard!" shouted Buster.

"Stop bullying me and my faith," said Cletus. He ran away crying.

The student body knew that they'd have to dispose of their beloved cafeteria lady's cadaver in the most discrete way possible. Plus, Mr. Haney would just say everyone was bullying Cletus if they snitched on him.

"Why don't we shove her in the oven, Sylvia Plath style?" Fern suggested.

Fern was a dark-twisted girl, but compared to Cletus' genital removal fetish, she was a total angel. That idea wasn't half-bad.

They hoisted Mrs. MacGrady's corpse all the way to the kitchen, opened the oven and shoved her in. Unfortunately, George was the last one to leave the scene of the crime, so when Mr. Haney came in for a phallic-shaped delicacy, he totally took things out of context.

"Why the _fuck_ did you kill Mrs. MacGrady!?" Mr. Haney cried.

George shook. He was always the one left out, because Lakewood was full of fake-ass hoes. Especially that Muffy Cross-

"ANSWER ME!" Mr. Haney screamed at the top of his lungs.

"I didn't kill her!" George yelled.

Disregarding every single aspect of the American legal system, the Feds barged into the school cafeteria and threw George into a police car. Then, he was placed into Charlie Manson's recently vacated prison cell and left there for the rest of eternity.

* * *

 _Okay, yeah, I know this chapter was dark as hell and had way too many pop-culture references, but that's how I roll. Of course, we need to have some action in the story, of course. Because, of course, I should commit to all of the details in my plot summary._

 _Love ya lots!_

 _~ TTW_


	8. Chapter 8

**Eight**

Despite the chaotic day that ensued at Lakewood Elementary, the students there weren't the only ones who experienced novel-worthy events.

For instance, Tibby Cagney managed to borrow a party van from its owner by doing a...little... _show_. And she was picking up her deadbeat boyfriend from elementary school in it. She waited outside her alma mater until they could finally drive away.

"I wanna watch My Little Pony," Emmanuel whined to Tibby from the back seat.

Yes, Cletus' brony friend got into the party van. Emmanuel Perez was a slightly less creepy version of Cletus, but he always condoned his friend, no matter what. He'd always say something like "good job" or "I like you". Nothing particularly constructive or critical.

"Your friend is getting out of school," Tibby responded with a phony sweet voice. "Then, you two can watch My Little Pony as much as your little hearts desire."

Then, the bear burst out of the school, frolicking along the path.

"Tibby!" Cletus exclaimed once he finally found her in the party van. "The people at school like me."

So maybe her boyfriend didn't make an ass out of himself on his first day of school...

"That's so great, Cletus," Tibby cooed, hugging his 400-pound body. "How'd you gain so much weight though?" Cletus still had a bit of mashed potato and stew remains on his face from the lunch incident.

"Cletus has a nice body," Emmanuel remarked.

Tibby ignored his comment. "Why was your day great, Cletus?"

"I got invited to a party tomorrow night!"

 _Holy fucking shit._

Tibby knew she'd have to go to this. If her boyfriend of all people was going to a Friday night party, she knew this was once in a blue moon.

"I know where we should celebrate!" Tibby exclaimed. There was this one club nearby that a lot of high schoolers went to. Tibby took the interstate north for 30 minutes until she reached the club. And in front of it were the words 'CLOSED'.

"FUCK!" Tibby cried. She just wanted her pumpkin spice latte after a long day of chaperoning her boyfriend and his lover, going to school and being called a puta by her Spanish teacher's wife.

However, the place next door was open.

The Gay Bathhouse.

"I don't like gay people," said Cletus.

"I don't like not getting my latte, but grow some balls," said Tibby.

"I am not a nullo, so I will go inside for you, Tibby." Tibby and Cletus exchanged a slimy kiss while Emmanuel vomited in the background. The three of them walked into the bathhouse.

Wilbur Rabbit's acting career had gone downhill faster than Harvey Weinstein's producing career after the director of Bionic Bunny caught him doing drugs off set. Because, of course, Wilbur was _so_ much worse than Harvey...

After Wilbur's drug use was revealed to the public, he wrote an elaborate Facebook post on how he would chose to live as a gay man, and had dated both men and women in the past. But even that couldn't save his career. So he was now working at the gay bathhouse...

When the trio entered, Wilbur gave them towels and said "Maybe you three will find love in the gay bathhouse. Maybe you'll even find each other."

Wilbur winked and made a fellating gesture with his ballpoint pen on his desk.

Cletus, Emmanuel and Tibby ventured in the depths of the bathhouse until they had found four men who had already found love.

Mr. Ratburn's day had been so bad that he needed a foursome. He was having an orgy with Mr. Haney, Richard and none other than Mr. Nix.

"Paw, why are you eatin' my teacher's wiener?" Cletus wondered, like a five year old child would.

Mr. Nix shrieked as he realized his son had caught him in the moment of one of the kinkiest, anti-Baptist acts a man could commit.

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE, CAN I JUST GET ONE MINUTE AWAY FROM THAT CLETUS KID?!"

"My son's 35..."

"HE DOESN'T ACT LIKE IT!" Mr. Ratburn screamed. He ran out of the bathhouse completely naked, with ten fingers, ten toes, two nipples and one uncircumcised penis. Just as he was about to leave, though, the police barged into the bathhouse.

One of the officers had the desk that Cletus' castration story was written on.

"Are you Nigel Ratburn?" the officer asked.

"Yes..." Mr. Ratburn responded, covering his genitals and really wishing he had a towel on.

"Are you aware that there is sexually explicit content written on this desk of yours?"

"YEAH, IT'S THAT FAT FUCK'S FAULT!" Ratburn screamed, pointing over at Cletus.

"There's no way that's a student," another officer countered. "We've held you liable for this atrocity of a story, and you're going to the slammer."

Mr. Ratburn was dragged to the same prison George was at, while Mr. Haney and Richard were still going at it, Emmanuel was looking around for a TV so he could jerk off to Rainbow Dash, Mr. Nix and Cletus were having a _really_ uncomfortable father-son conflict and Tibby left with the van to go find her latte for the day.

* * *

 _Two people in Mr. Ratburn's class have gone to jail in one day...this really is intense. Will Cletus forgive his dad? Will Mr. and Mrs. Nix stay married after this discovery? Will Wilbur Rabbit get a better job? What will happen next? STAY TUNED._

 _(Also, I need my reviews.)_

 _~ TTW_


	9. Chapter 9

**Nine**

After that whole debacle at the gay bathhouse, Mr. Haney had to find a replacement for Mr. Ratburn, given that he would be spending the rest of his life in prison. He spent all night thinking about potential candidates. Maybe Rodentia Ratburn - Nigel's older sister? Or how about Frederich Fugue, that one music teacher?

Then, he got a call from Richard.

"Can you believe Nigel's in jail?"

"It's quite a shame...he was such a good teacher, as well as giving blowjobs."

"Richard, are you an educated man?"

There was a beat of silence as Richard formulated his answer.

"I never actually went to college, Herbert."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"What do you want me to say? I run a gay bathhouse with Wilbur Rabbit; you don't need a college degree for that."

Mr. Haney screamed in anger. Why did he have to deal with all of this stress? After some id versus superego debate, he just decided to cancel school that day due to some 'conferences'.

* * *

The sun rose and the birds chirped, and Tibby Cagney smacked Cletus with her pillow.

"No school today, Cletus!" He was snoring in his Sofia the First pajamas, because he had passed out from having sex with Tibby the past night.

"I don't have school. So I can go back to sleep. Because school is cancelled, that is," Cletus reasoned, demonstrating his most intelligent moment since 1982. Tibby rolled her eyes.

"You're not going back to sleep, Cletus."

"Why not?"

"We're going to get you prepared for your lit-ass party tonight. I'm coming with you so you don't fuck it up. No castrating anyone, okay?"

"Can I talk about castration?"

"I think you'd have more success if you talked about genital rotting syndrome, but that's just my personal preference."

Tibby had encouraged Cletus to share her genital rotting syndrome fetish. They once mutually masturbated to images of gangrene patients. It made Fifty Shades of Grey seem vanilla and innocent. However, Cletus seemed to be more into castration and circumcision despite his Baptist upbringing.

Anyway, I'm sure you don't want to hear all of Cletus' and Tibby's bizarre fetishes so I'll cut this tangent short.

Tibby dragged Cletus to the mall with her, which she managed to persuade him in by threatening to burn his Rainbow Dash costume if he refused to go.

"Awww, such a sweet daughter," the elderly cashier at the mall cooed as Tibby bought some sleek clothing for her beau.

"Tibby is my girlfriend. We will get married and have children with nice and smoo-"

"Cletus, let's get ready!" Tibby yanked his arm and they went back into the party van.

Tibby put Cletus in handcuffs while she spruced him up. She could always go for a little bondage. She grabbed a razor from inside her bra and attempted to shave his beard. Then, he cried.

"Tibby, why don't you like my beard?"

"It makes you look like even more of a pedophile and I'm not getting arrested for dating a sex offender."

Cletus had a confused look on his face.

"What's a sex offender?"

Tibby loved having a dumb boyfriend, because she could throw so much shade at him.

"You in a nutshell."

"Thanks, Tibby," Cletus responded gaily, assuming that Tibby was complimenting him.

"You're still not having that beard."

Tibby had to use a bear tranquilizer to knock him out while she shaved his beard (and some other parts of his body that only she had seen). The final product was incredibly sexy, at least in Tibby's eyes.

Cletus, on the other hand, disagreed.

"I wanna wear my Rainbow Dash outfit."

* * *

They got to Rattles' place at seven that night, and it was the craziest elementary school party in Elwood City. Kanye West was blasting at 100 decibels, reverberatinh throughout the house.

All of Mr. Ratburn's class was there, as well as the rest of the school and the preschoolers from Ms. Morgan's class.

"ARTHUR!" D.W. screamed. "I WANT CRAZY BUS MUSIC!"

Arthur, who had Francine and Sue Ellen on either shoulder, groaned. "Go ask Rattles to change it, I'm kinda busy."

D.W. went on her quest to get her music, but Rattles was preoccupied with other business. He was chatting up Cletus, who was somehow a party animal that night. Cletus had on a jean jacket, ripped-up jeans, was clean shaven and had Spandex to flatten his tummy. Tibby was eyeing Rattles' dick while wrapped around Cletus.

Then, as pre-arranged by Rattles and the Tough Customers, Binky came up with a tray of brownies.

"I made some ha-"

Rattles cut him off, "Some delicious brownies. I think we should give them all to the new student, shouldn't we? He's the oldest student at Lakewood Elementary."

"All these brownies for me?" Cletus asked.

"Yeah," Slink said. "You deserve it for dating that hot Jessica Rabbit over there."

(Slink still couldn't get over Tibby's sexy photos, even with all of those celebrity nudes throughout the years.)

"Eat up, Cletus." Cletus downed 30 brownies in 1 minute, but little did he know these brownies had a _very special_ ingredient in them. A certain plant that lots of people in Colorado like...

And then, all chaos ensued.

* * *

 _Nothing better than Cletus getting stoned on his second day of school, am I right? This is such a crazy party, but fear not - this party is the BIG LEAGUES. This is just the beginning of a wild night..._

 _~ TTW_


	10. Chapter 10

**Ten**

Being the good Baptist man he was, Cletus never indulged in drugs. He wasn't like those Catholics who got drunk on bread. However, Cletus' religious fanaticism wasn't as much of his reason for abstinence, as was his utter stupidity. He thought that 'marijuana' was a Spanish girl's name, which got him in a lot of trouble when he met Tibby's Puerto Rican friend that one time...

Being high on pot brownies was an entirely new experience for Cletus.

"I looooooove chocolate," he said. "I understand why females eat it when they bleed out of their smooth fronts. SOOOO GOOD. I'm like a fuckin' fat kid eating all of the chocolate meant for the bake sale. Like BINKY BARNES."

"Hey!" Binky yelled. "What did I do?!"

"You are a male who likes male parts. You are the son of Satan."

Then, Binky transformed into the Devil himself. Not the lite South Park version, but the actual Satan. He breathed fire at Cletus.

"JESUS DIDN'T DIE FOR THIS!" Cletus screamed. "I'LL BE SAVED DURING THE RAPTURE BECAUSE I'M A GOOD MAN."

Satan went over to Cletus and started gnawing on his face - probably inspired by that one guy in Miami who was high on bath salts and ate that one guy's face back in 2012.

"I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL FACE. GOD, SAVE ME!"

Then, D.W. transformed into a deity.

"Is that you, God?"

"No, you fuckin' dumbass. I'm an angel. I died because I underwent female circumcision."

"Will you save me?" asked Cletus, whose face was bloodied, with eyes dangling outside of the sockets.

"No. You're too ugly to be an angel. I'd rather save Satan over here." Satan was too busy chewing on Cletus' left eyeball.

"Thanks for the compliment."

Then, everyone at the party morphed into Satan's accomplices. Their red tridents were aimed at Cletus, and Cletus only. But the words launched at him hurt much more than his physical wounds.

"YOU WANT MY DICK CUT OFF!"

"YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR SCHOOL!"

"MR. RATBURN WOULDN'T BE IN JAIL IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU!"

"YOU KILLED MRS. MACGRADY!"

"YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!"

Cletus screamed and cried as Satan's servants addressed his fate.

"LORD, FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS!"

* * *

Meanwhile, the entire party was fixated on Cletus being high on pot brownies. He must have had a lot of marijuana in his system, because that guy was insane. He thought he was being _killed by Satan_.

"Arthur, what's a satin?" D.W. asked.

"Something you shoudn't know until you're in third grade."

"You're a little bitch, Arthur." D.W. retorted, flipping him off while she started twerking to Kanye again.

Arthur punched D.W., somehow not learning his lesson from that one time. She crashed into Papa Bear Cletus, landing right into his gut.

"EWWWWWW!" D.W. screamed. "Why'd you make me land into the pervert?"

"How does your sister know all of that vomitroucious language?" Muffy scoffed. "That's what happens when you're raised by a slut and a wannabe Gordon Ramsay."

Arthur was already high on adrenaline, so he roundhouse kicked Muffy, who also landed on Cletus' tummy.

"DON'T YOU DARE SHIT TALK MY PARENTS! YOUR DAD'S A FRAUD!"

Muffy got up from Cletus, readjusting her braids so she could look cute when fighting.

"MY DADDY HAS MONEY!" Muffy screamed, running toward Arthur like a feral animal.

She clawed at him, and Arthur retaliated. People started throwing money at them, placing bets on who'd win.

"Arthur has glasses, so that means he's smart."

"Muffy has a better defense."

"Arthur punched his sister into the redneck."

"Muffy could get off of the redneck, the kid sister's still over there crying."

"So how is that Arthur's fault?"

"Muffy has better genetics."

The banter went on, until finally, one of the contestants took their last dying breath. It was like the Hunger Games. And the rest of the partiers were like the Capitol, enabling these children to murder one another.

The dying contestant looked up at the ceiling, crying.

"I love you so much, Francine."

Sue Ellen was so surprised, since she and Francine had always had tension.

"Remember when we had the same birthday, but my party was better?"

The dying third grader spouted out memories of their time at Lakewood Elementary.

And then, Mary Alice Crosswire died.

Francine laughed. "That bitch loved me? PLEASE! She was so catty. Hopefully she'll rot in hell."

"I mean, at least I don't have to worry about you and Arthur being in love anymore," Sue Ellen reasoned. "You obviously play for the other team."

"I am NOT a dyke!" Francine screamed. "And I love Arthur!"

Before Francine could commit the second homicide of the night, Rattles facetiously coughed.

"Excuse me, but you know all of this is going on YouTube, right?" he condescendingly said. "So you better get yo shit together, missy. And Cletus is way more interesting than you third graders."

Rattles walked over to Cletus, acting like he was filming a nature documentary. Cletus was passed out by now, and D.W. was asleep because it _was_ way past her bedtime. This was the most hilarious prank Rattles Ciccone had ever pulled in his life.

"Hey!" Arthur exclaimed. "Why didn't you tell me this was going on YouTube!"

* * *

 _This was definitely more of a crack-fic chapter, but I thought the writing style should reflect the plot. I mean, Cletus is HIGH for fuck's sake! That's your glimpse at an elementary school party._

 _Next chapter, we're going back to school on Monday. And beware for gym class...DUN DUN DUN._

 _Until next time, loyal fans!_

 _~ TTW_


	11. Chapter 11

_Long time, no see, very faithful readers. (I'm being sarcastic.) As a side note, my friend uyktjftyj (yes, he just typed that and claims it's Italian, even though it looks more Icelandic) is co-writing this with me since he doesn't have an account but he's read every chapter. Get ready for the best Cletus Nix collaboration you will ever see._

* * *

 **Chapter 11**

For a whole three days, Cletus was missing. Not like that anyone cared, as they didn't put out an Amber Alert. Given that he was basically a pedophile, having him on Amber Alert would give out the wrong message. Someone did find Cletus, but really Cletus found himself dangling by the climbing rope in Lakewood Elementary's gymnasium.

After the whole fiasco on that Friday night, Rattles realized that his parents were coming back from Palermo and they'd probably send him to the orphanage if they found out he made another batch of hash brownies. So the only thing to do was dispose of the body.

Logic was thrown out the window because all of the windows were broken in the gym, so let's not even talk about Muffy. In a SparkNotes summary, Cletus was presumed dead by the coroner because they couldn't feel his pulse under all that fat. The morgue didn't want to deal with his dead body so he told Rattles to grow some balls and find a place to put the body. Since the gym teacher was a dickhead, Rattles decided to give him a little treat.

But things don't always go as planned. When the weird gym teacher came in that Monday morning, he saw the 'dead' body. He tried to muster up some tears, but he really didn't know how he felt about this 35 year old guy at an elementary school. So he went home and watched Good Morning America reruns instead. And the new teacher ended up being Mr. Haney because Mr. Haney was an old man and he didn't really want the gay bathhouse owner teaching the kids.

So Mr. Haney led the children into the gym because exercise was part of the curriculum. And then Mr. Haney saw the dead body. And then the kids saw it.

There were mixed reactions. Binky literally lost his shit (which was underneath him at this point), Francine was screaming "HALLELUJAH" and fist pumping around the gym, Arthur really wished he hadn't gone to that party and Buster knew that nobody on the Internet told lies after Cletus' trip on brownies got 9M views on YouTube. He was going to miss that meme. Those Arthur characters that were never named just screamed.

"Now, children," Mr. Haney preached, "We need to understand that this was God's plan. As sad as this tragedy is, he's now with our creator - even though God will have a helluva time with him. But we need to remember that we're all God's children. And his-"

"Shut the fuck up, Herb!" Francine yelled.

Then, something unexpected happened.

Cletus just groaned loudly, a bear waking up from a weekend-long hibernation. His eyes opened and he was just as surprised as all of the students.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" Francine screamed.

She stormed out of the room and went apeshit around the school until she told by the announcements to go to anger management and bowel control therapy. (See what happens next to Francine.)

Cletus rubbed his eyes. "What am I doin' here? Mah tummy hurts. I miss all those brownies." (Cletus had a dream that he was living in Candyland and every card he drew made him go back. But as a perk, his sidekick was a talking brownie whom he made out with on occasion.)

And then he realized that the material bounded around his ankles was not licorice, but in fact, a fine hemp rope. And he was in gym class. Which he had never experienced until now, under his peculiar circumstances. As he wiggled out, the rope unwound much like the logic of this fine work of art (it went out the window). Cletus fell out, but he bounced on the ground and bounced around like a beach ball, but landed on his feet like Gabby Douglas.

At that same moment, an Olympic trainer fired Gabby and hired Cletus for the American Olympic gymnast team. Cletus was apparently so amazing that they didn't even wait until 2020, so they had the Olympics in Tehran, Iran.

Arthur looked over at Buster.

"Have you considered how weird this week has been?"

Buster replied, "Dude, we get to go to Iran. This going to be lit."

* * *

 _Hopefully you like my homie; he'll probably make some more suggestions later on. He's almost as twisted as I am. Again, sorry for the delayed update, but hopefully it was worth the weight (yes, that was a pun; I know how to spell). Also, no ill will toward Gabby Douglas - love ya, girl. Represent in Tokyo 2020 and beat Cletus!_

 _~ TTW and_ _uyktjftyj_


	12. Chapter 12

**Twelve**

Most people (or...anthropomorphic animals) had that one awkward flight in their lives, but none of them could live up to the Air Iran plane ride that fateful day.

"I can't believe my mom let me go on this trip," said Arthur.

"Are you kidding me?" exclaimed Francine, who was still pissed off about those anger management classes she had to go to.

"It's the fucking Olympics. Except I wish I was up there, and not that oaf." She flipped off Cletus, who was lying on the floor of the plane since there wasn't a seat big enough for him. Tibby was lying on top of Cletus, and Emmanuel was getting a hard on looking at Cletus's sexy body.

Emmanuel thought that man was a god. Even though Emmanuel was Latino and Cletus was white, they would be a beautiful mixed-race couple, which pissed off both the alt right and the social justice warriors on Tumblr. But love transcended politics. Emmanuel had to refrain from touching himself to Cletus' 400 pound Herculean body. If only it could be him, and not Tibby on top of him.

Tibby gave Emmanuel a death stare.

"Shit, that's the girl who sent me nudes," said Slink.

"Tibby Cagney?!" exclaimed Rattles.

Rattles was lowkey pissed off that his YouTube video was taken down an hour after it got posted. YouTube told him that Logan Paul's videos were more tasteful than that party he filmed, and that Rattles would be doxxed and hunted down if he ever posted that "deplorable trash" ever again.

However, Rattles realized he could redeem himself in Tehran.

"Eh, she's not really my type," Binky commented.

"What if she had a dick?" Rattles retorted. Binky glared at him.

" _I'm not gay_ ," he seethed through his teeth.

"You are so in denial," said Molly. "I know you want to go to that gay bathhouse."

"Shut the fuck up. You know that Cletus perv will write a story about me going there. He really hates me for some reason."

"Maybe he'll die of a heart attack," Rattles irreverently said.

Meanwhile, the sexy cat flight attendant screamed. While walking along the aisle to get more drinks (since this ride seemed painful enough already), she stepped on something really huge.

"That's my leg!" Cletus yelled.

"What the hell is _he_ doing here?!" the flight attendant screeched.

"He's an Olympian. Suck it up, buttercup," said the pilot over the intercom.

The flight attendant groaned and muttered, "I really should have taken Stormy Daniels' advice..."

The plane took off from Elwood City and went across the Atlantic Ocean. A lot of the students started to doze off, because none of them had gone as far as Iran. Except for Buster and Sue Ellen, who were up for some adventures.

"I'm hungry!" Buster exclaimed.

The hot flight attendant sauntered over to Buster, slightly bending over. "What do you want?" she asked with a wink.

"I want 12 scoops of calamari crunch, with pretzels on top and nacho cheese sauce."

"We don't have that," she flatly responded.

"Do you know what airplane does?"

"I seriously doubt anyone has that. You're a fucked up child." She scoffed and walked away, pouring herself another glass of Bloody Mary.

"Come on, Buster," Sue Ellen consoled. "There's more to life than food. Think about all the adventures we're going to have in Tehran!"

"Like what?"

"Like, watching this weird new student do backflips. Learning Persian phrases. Figuring out how to save Iran from sexism. There's so many things to do."

"You really think so?" Buster said.

"I know so." Then, Sue Ellen looked over at Buster. Maybe Arthur wasn't the one for her.

 _My Heart Will Go On_ played from Binky's iTunes, at full volume. And in that moment, things went downhill. The bear couldn't fit into the bathroom, so he decided to remove his waste in a less appropriate place: the airplane floor.

Cletus would have won a gold medal in professional shitting, because that man was doing it for 10 minutes. All of the passengers woke up, smelling the noxious aroma.

"THAT BABY NEEDS A FUCKING DIAPER!" Francine screamed. She hoped Cletus would die from an infection from all that shitting. Cletus' shit splattered all over the airplane, like a Jackson Pollock painting.

And then, with Celine Dion belting in the background, the floor broke.

* * *

 _I'm BAAAACK. Will the Arthur characters be able to make it to Tehran? How much will Cletus have to pay for his damage? Are there going to be any character deaths (hint: someone dies)? Stay tuned for next time!_


	13. Chapter 13

**Thirteen**

Shit rained down from the airplane, pouring into the depths of the Atlantic Ocean. The children on board wailed in terror, and the pilot tried speaking over the intercom.

"Everybody, calm down...I've been flyin' this thing since 'Nam..."

"I HAVE SHIT IN MY HAIR!" screamed the sexy cat attendant from the other side of the plane. "AND IT'S RUINING MY MAKEUP!"

"Well, our lives are going to be ruined if we die, sweetheart."

Tibby held onto the love of her life, making sure she was going to be more committed than Rose was to Jack. When Tibby and Cletus watched _The Titanic_ together, she always told her soulmate that she would let him have the whole raft if they were on that ship. Now, their time had come.

"NEAR, FAR, WHEREVER YOU ARE, I BELIEVE THAT THE HEART DOES GO ON," bellowed Binky, still listening to his earbuds on full blast.

"You're a good singer, Binks," Rattles said. "But maybe you could apply some of that Titanic knowledge and do what Tibby's doing over there." He pointed at Tibby lying on top of Cletus.

"You mean dry hump Cletus?"

"NO! RUN OVER TO THEM! NOW!" Rattles jumped on top of Cletus, using him as life support as they plummeted farther and farther down. Binky followed his lead, and so did everyone else on the plane.

"Buster, I think I have a crush on you!" Sue Ellen screamed, trying to edge in her last words.

"Sue Ellen, I think you're an annoying bitch," Buster responded. Sue Ellen's jaw dropped.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"I don't joke, even if I am a comic. You're the meanest person ever, trying to ruin Francine and Arthur. In fact, I'd want to have a threesome with them."

"Since when?!" Arthur screamed, holding onto Cletus's left arm.

"Since I accidentally saw your penis at that sleepover. It's not as big as Ladonna's brother's penis, but that's okay. Bud Compson has the hugest of them-"

"When the hell did you take a peeker at my brother's peener?" Ladonna asked, her southern accent dripping on every word like honey.

"That time we went public bathing. Don't you remember?"

"What you talkin' about?"

Buster reminisced for a moment. "Oh...that must have been that dream I had about Cletus where he was molesting all of these four year old kids. I really hope he's not like that in real life."

Tibby shot Buster a dirty look. "If you have anything to say about my Prince Charming, why don't you say it to his face?!"

"Enough with the fighting!" Arthur screamed, being the eternal peacemaker. "We're going to hit the wat-"

At that moment, Cletus hit the surface of the Atlantic Ocean, bouncing up when he did so. A couple of the kids fell off, splashing into the water. Surprisingly, no one had died so far.

"What's that?!" Buster screamed. It looked like the waste from the airplane had formed into a large creature of some sorts.

"Maybe a Loch Ness Monster?" The Brain suggested. He prattled through a list of mythological creatures that this bizarre formation could possibly represent, until the being itself interrupted him.

"I'm the shit monster, you pretentious little cunt!" Everyone gasped. The shit monster proceeded. "I can take all of you little brats to Tehran if you really want to."

The children laughed with glee. Maybe this would all be okay.

"Except for one. I have a quota. You have to vote someone off the island."

"But we're in the ocean," Carl said. "If we were on an island, there would be sand-"

"IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH!" the shit monster bellowed. "Now, which one of you is staying?"

"CLETUS!" everyone screamed together.

The shit monster scoffed. "Yeah, in most cases, I would have to agree, but Cletus is going to the Olympics."

"How'd you know that?" the Brain asked. "I had no idea you were so well versed in geopolitics and international issues."

"BECAUSE I'M OMNIPOTENT. Your real name is Alan Powers, and you think you're a child genius but your parents run an ice cream store for fuck's sake. You're going to be a burnout by fifth grade and eat enough ice cream to be fatter than Cletus."

The Brain gulped. He couldn't stand to imagine a future like that. He thought that he had used his brain for power, but apparently not.

"I'll stay," the Brain volunteered.

"Ah, the sacrificial lamb," the shit monster observed. "Come along now, kiddies, we've got an Olympics competition to go to."

All of the students and their chaperones except for the Brain swam into the vortex that the shit monster created, and they were transported to the Caspian Sea, where they surfed to the coast of Iran. Then, they got a bus to Tehran, where they could view the Tehran Olympics firsthand.

"This sounds like a lot of fun, but I feel bad for the Brain. Everyone always thought he was such a know-it-all, but it's not the same without him," Arthur reminisced.

"What do you think he's doing?" Buster asked.

Meanwhile, in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, the Brain could now be called "the Chunks of Dead Bear Corpse". Unfortunately, he happened to be one of those statistics of a shark attack. But it was better to be dead than become Cletus.

* * *

 _Hint: If you say you're going to kill off a character - ACTUALLY KILL OFF SOMEONE. Our favorite fanfic authot forgot to do that in "Arthur and them castrated", so I made fun of him for it. (Also, why hasn't he reviewed my story since Chapter 1?) :,(_

 _I got the inspiration for the shit monster from Big Mouth, which is a really hilarious show. Travis, if you wanna write stories about puberty, at least make them satirical and not creepy as hell._

 _Hopefully y'all are enjoying this TRAVISty of a story. Love ya!_

 _~ TTW_


	14. Chapter 14

_**Fourteen**_

Thanks to the shit monster, the students in Mr. Ratburn's class got front row seats to the Tehran Olympics. This was a once in a lifetime experience for these children. However, it was sure to yield post-traumatic stress disorder for the majority of them, considering they were stuck with a pedophile in their class, nearly died in a plane crash and encountered a creature made from the toxic wastes of said pedophile.

Binky was eating a pastrami sandwich and drinking a Sprite. Unfortunately, Cletus did not seem to be okay with this. Cletus took a break from his warm ups (which he decided to do, naked as the day he was born, because that was the closest Emmanuel could get to the 'Mary Moo Cow and the Naked Backflip' fanfiction that he always orgasmed to, and Cletus and Emmanuel had many homoerotic encounters).

"You are so fat," Cletus said. "You're a gay boy who needs to become straight, because heterosexuality is what Jesus wanted. You are sinning against God and are just as bad as them people opening up a porn store."

Binky burped in Cletus' face and rolled his eyes. "I'm not gay; I stared at my ballet teacher's boobs the other day."

"Binky, your ballet teacher is a transvestite," Molly corrected him, calling from a couple seats away from him. Binky shot her a death stare. Meanwhile, Tibby was making out with Slink, sitting on his lap and grinding against his male organ that I shall not name because it's too sacred.

"Is this borderline pedophilia?" Slink asked Tibby. "I mean, you sent me nudes on Tinder and you're as flat as a ten year old, but you are eighteen."

"Love has no age..." Tibby sighed wistfully.

"I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!" Cletus screamed in agony, at the sight of his one true love locking lips with someone who wasn't even in his class.

"Cletus..." Tibby confessed, "You were too much for me to handle. You nearly got us killed because of your bowels. It's not okay."

"But I'm in the Olympics!" Cletus cried.

"Cletus, you know that I love penis. I really don't think that we can reproduce with your micropenis in my loose vagina. It would be impossible for the sperm - that is, the semen - that is, the cum - to transfer from your testicles to my ovaries. Slink has a much larger penis."

(Apparently, Tibby had enough balls to say the p-word herself.)

"Damn, this place should be called Tear-your-heart-ran," the shit monster commented, eating a halal hot dog on the bleachers behind them.

Then, the ghost of the Grand Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini emerged from the shadows.

"These degenerate westerners must clean themselves before these sacred games. Otherwise, I would suggest beheading them all, especially the fat homosexual with the orange shirt. I think he should be circumcised."

"I LIKE MY UNCIRCUMCISED PENIS!" Binky cried, fearing for the loss of his manhood.

However, the ghost of the late Iranian Islamist revolutionary wasn't the only one to hear Binky's irreverent statement. The head of the Tehran Olympics ordered that Binky would have a public circumcision during the Games, while the rest of Mr. Ratburn's class had to take public showers.

"I don't wanna be naked in front of all these people!" Fern cried. "I don't want them to check my boobs before potentially cas-"

"DON'T SAY ANYMORE, FERN!" Francine screamed. "You want to get in more trouble like that dumb-ass homo, Binky Barnes?"

All of the students stripped down to their naked tween bodies. They all had ten toes, two nipples. All of the boys had penises, because males have those genitals. However, if they were to be castrated, they would have smooth fronts like the females present.

A large showerhead emerged from the ground, much like that weird thing in the Teletubbies that shouted "TIME FOR TELETUBBIES, TIME FOR TELETUBBIES!"

"When are the boys going to compare penises?" Cletus asked, his erection growing, as he was still naked.

"THAT'S GROSS!" shouted Buster. "Why would we do something like that?"

Cletus didn't want to admit that ever since he joined Mr. Ratburn's third grade class, he had fantasized about his classmates comparing genitals. Unfortunately for Cletus, his comment was deemed as homoerotic, and he was forced to become disqualified from the Olympics and join Binky in become circumcised.

"WE CAME HERE FOR NOTHING!" Francine screamed. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? AND NOW I'M NAKED IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PERVS!"

The circumcisor walked over to Binky and Cletus and got to work on their foreskins. This was yet another pivotal moment in these childrens' lives. The combination of having his penis touches and watching these kids in the shower made Cletus orgasm like he had never done in his life.

"Damn, I underestimated him," Tibby muttered.

The cum blinded the circumcisor and he fell to the ground, cracking his head. Blood pooled out on the ground.

However, the fainting was not due to being blinded by semen. Behind them stood two members of ISIS, holding shotguns. One of them had shot the circumcisor straight in the brain. Of course, a gunshot to the brain is fatal, that is, deadly, of course, because, of course, you'd be brain dead, of course.

What happened next shocked everyone the most. The two members of ISIS took off their masks. These faces turned out to be none other than George Lundgren and Nigel Ratburn.

* * *

A/N: Oooooh, cliffhanger! I know it's been ages since I worked on this fic, but since the man-baby is still writing shower stories, the satire must continue. Why are Mr. Ratburn and George part of ISIS? How did they get out of prison in the first place? Let's find out next chapter. Chapter 15, that is.

Love,

TTW


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